There is No Hero in Heroin Blog

The only hero in heroin is the one who overcomes it!

Home

with 35 comments


Heroin…. Hero… In… There is no Hero in Heroin.

Heroin has been my son’s dark mistress, akin to Dexter’s dark passenger, for 4 and 1/2  years. Stevie started with her cousin, Oxycontin. She has been center of attention from day one. She infiltrated him, first through his mind, his thoughts, his behaviors. Like lucifer, she fed off my sons weaknesses, beating him up day in and day out, about his own inferiority complex. ( “You are too short!” “You are ugly.”  “You are not as smart as your brother.”)

There is No Hero in Heroin

She allowed him to feel accepted, and numbed out the pain of the real world.

She infiltrated next his blood, and became his lifeline. She wrestled his love from me, his mom, and demanded full devotion.

There is no hero in heroin. She is a coward and hides behind the thoughts and face of her abusers.

This blog is a collaboration between addict and his mom. It is brutal and honest and heartfelt.

Written by NargJMH

May 8, 2010 at 8:46 PM

35 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. Friend,

    Sorry to hear about your son. I am a recovering addict myself. I know about the pain.

    The literature of Narcotics Anonymous says “we all faced the SAME dilemma”. No matter what the drug was, we all suffer the same disease. And those close to us all suffer a similar misery as well.

    My mother suffered as you have. But today, she and I both know that today is all we have.

    Keep on keepin’ on. When there is nothing left, there is still prayer.

    Charles

    Charles

    May 13, 2010 at 9:58 AM

  2. Thank you Charles. My prayer is for Stevie to face his addiction by tearing down the walls of insecurity, low self esteeem and self-sabotage behaviors and build bridges of hope, understanding and self love….. God bless you and your mom on your journey.

    tinhih

    May 13, 2010 at 10:21 AM

    • Yes it’s been a long journey. I’m 25. I have maybe 75 days clean. At one point I had 2.5 years clean, but fell into complacency and relapsed.

      I attended my first NA meeting when I was 18
      so are you involved with Alanon or Naranon or anything of the sort? I’ve never been to those meetings, being the addict that I am…

      Charles

      May 13, 2010 at 1:36 PM

  3. I am starting a Nar-Anonin my city, because there isntone withint 2 hrs of here. I have been to NA, and I never wanted to go to alanon because I did not want to admit there were isues….. have you been sober before then?

    tinhih

    May 13, 2010 at 4:47 PM

    • Yeah I have been clean off and on. Just short of two and a half years is my record so far. But I really only have today. (that sounds cliche, eh?)

      Don’t worry about admitting issues though… my mom used to worry about that too. But in the end, what sponsor says is true: “If i’m not the problem, then here IS no f*ing solution.”

      Meaning that I can only change me. As recovering addicts, we learn to accept and cherish the world around us, rather than to deplore it, lament over it’s imperfection, or try to change it.

      Charles

      May 13, 2010 at 5:14 PM

  4. I can whole heartedly recommend Al-Anon in the same way I would recommend AA to someone in NA if there were no NA meetings around. The principles and the feelings are the same.

    WLITF

    recoveryboy

    June 7, 2010 at 3:27 AM

  5. I recommend Al-Anon whole heartedly and I am a card carrying NA recovering addict. Al-Anon has done as much for my recovery as NA – it is an amazing fellowship and I echo a previous poster – the principles and feelings are the same.

    recoveryboy

    November 7, 2010 at 8:40 AM

    • Neither is helpful to Stevie. Glad you are doing well!

      tinhih

      November 11, 2010 at 8:07 PM

  6. Hey,

    I’ve been a heroin addict for nearly fourteen years, starting at 17.

    Ive struggled for years with it, and the damage and pain you cause your family is awful, it also feeds back into the cycle of using though through the guilt!

    Interesting blog anyway, I know writing really helps me.. I’ve recently started blogging about it all anyway

    Sids

    Ive blogged about it anyway

    Sids

    December 22, 2010 at 12:20 PM

  7. today my sister threatened to kill herself, and sounded so evil and even happy about it, when she told me that i’m a piece of …. and she regrets that she wont be alive to see my face when i read the note saying its my fault. then a couple minutes later she comes to me nicely and asks to bum some ciggarettes. as if she didnt just rip my heart into shreds. heroin in the worst, dealing with her is messing me up mentally, i feel dead inside and i have so much crushing guilt.

    brooke

    June 21, 2011 at 8:45 PM

    • Brooke, the first advice i can give is to realize you need to deal with truth not emotions. The truth is , she doesn’t mean what she says, she doesn’t remember what she says and the blame game is all about her.
      You see, her life isn’t life at all. every part of her life is controlled by the drug not emotion. I found Jesus to be my strength, my prayers were the answers to peace and wisdom came from the father thru the son.. I am spirit lead with the understanding that i am blessed with faith. I get upset, pray and find peace. LIke i tell the addict, when you call out the name of the Lord, he will set you free!. I pray over him, out loud hoping that one day, he will call out to jesus. This may not end the way i want it to, but if he knows jesus, I know i will get to see him in heaven one day…. Its a tough, rough life being the one who loves the addict, but I will keep on loveing the best way i know how… god bless you, give you strenght and most of all help you find your peace!

      cindy

      April 16, 2012 at 9:52 AM

  8. Brooke, how old are you? You need to separate the action from the person. Your sister on heroin or needing a fix is not the same person who you loved and looked up to. None of this is your fault and you should have no guilt. Divorce yourself from the addict. It is so hard to do, but have a mental funeral and bury this person you used to love, because she no longer exists and even if she gets clean, she will never again be the sister you loved. If I could count the number of suicide, it is all your fault letters……. I finally told him if he was going to threaten, then just do it. Talk to your parents. Tell them you need their support in distancing you from this disease. But, no matter what else you do or where else this goes, let yourself be free from the guilt. You are not to blame for loving your sister. and you are not alone.

    tinhih

    June 21, 2011 at 9:14 PM

    • I can see where the writer of this post is coming from- that does not mean that I agree- I believe you have to do what you have to do to keep yourself safe- yes I believe that when a person is on drugs they are not themselves- they are under the influence of a power greater then themselves and they have lost control- that does not mean that your sister is not still in there- she is buried beneath the drugs- while she is in this cycle- Please keep yourself safe- you cannot trust the drugs- or the person who is on them- that does not make your sister a bad person- she is struggling- when she chooses to get help- or to change- her motivation to change is within her- she just has to find it- you will have your sister back- she is not dead- and if she can reach out to the people who love her when she gets to the point of change (sometimes this occurs because there are no other options) she will need her family’s support to beat this disease- Addiciton is a monster – it takes evertyhing from its victims- and leaves them alone- as it alienates them from everyone that they care about- I have stuggled with addiction myself- I was a low bottom dope feind- living on the streets of the DTES in Vancouver- I then went on to get clean- graduate from college- become a certifeied addicitons counsellor- and I have my own family plus the family that I had been estranged from back in my life- some of the members of my family still hold resentments about my addicition- and that is okay- but they are still a part of my life- and I am a better person for having gone through ti all and survived- my struggles have taught me all I know- NEVER give up- DO have boundaries- boundaries are healthy- and be there when your loved one needs your support ( support NOT enable) Help facilitate the changes when they are ready and have asked for your help- track down phone numbers for detoxes, treatment centres and counselling offices, and provide the phone for them to make the call- Love is forever- DO NOT let addiction ruin that- everyone loses in that way-
      Anyone can change- I have proved that- there are more people out ther who can prove that too….
      Good Luck

      kara

      February 13, 2012 at 9:54 AM

  9. i will never abandon her. im moving back to tennessee but im not going to ignore her if she tries to contact me or anything.. idk.. :/ im depressed………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

    brooke

    June 27, 2011 at 9:59 PM

    • Don’t ignore. Just do not enable- no money, no rides, no clothes, no clothes, just be there. If she is clean, and she earns your trust, you can put yourself out there. Do something for you. Go to counseling….

      How are you doing?

      tinhih

      July 12, 2011 at 9:17 PM

  10. Smack is a horrible drug, I’ve seen many good people destroyed by it.

    David Sanderson

    October 24, 2011 at 8:25 AM

  11. There are too many of us – parents of kids who make the decision to use drugs. My daughter has been a heroin addict and heavy pot smoker for 20 years. Today here I am full of rage and anger from the obvious truth that she will probably never be okay and that nothing I have tried to help her with has made one bit of difference. She is still struggling and I am completely broke spirtually, emotionally, physically, mentally and financially. Her choice for life when it gets too stressful is to shoot up leaving me to deal with it. Sure I don’t have to but she’s my daughter and it’s been the hardest thing in the world for me to walk away. I did the tough love thing several times. It never worked with her. She’s got some supposed bi-polar issues and well that keeps me in it somehow. She’s done so many rehabs its almost comical. Once for a period of about 4 years she did not shoot up but instead she drank everyday and got mixed up with an abusive person who beat her and tried to eventually kill her. She would not press charges and her injuries left her unable to work. Then she returned to heroin. She always had her pot and with the new pot attitude feels its medical benefits are best for her. Really now, what a bunch of BS. Thanks State of California for that one.

    Lately I’m feeling stronger, or rather more prepared to walk away. I can’t do it anymore and I am surprised she can. If I could go back in time I would have locked her up while I could, I would have sent her to Miltary school, something, anything, at least then perhaps things might have been different, then again maybe not.

    I am numb most days. Once she shot up right in front of me, just to hurt me. I forced myself to watch, ,maybe the shock of it would make me disown her or something. But all I felt was pity that people could be so horrible to themselves. I couldnt even cry….
    I hate to give up hope but to be honest I have yet to meet a junkie who has made it through. I am a bitter Mom and person – if you gave me a machine gun I would gun down every known dealer in town….I hate drugs so much that it’s almost rather insane.
    In ruining her life she has infected and ruined mine. I alllowed it. All in the name of being a good Mom…As hard as we try we can’t save out kids, they have to do it. And all the recovery places, well its more a business for them just like methdone is nothing but big business and is no help whatsoever. She’s currently on methadone and tried suboxone. If all this stuff is to help why is it so expensive. The recovery system does nothing but abuse us parents – they bet that we are that desperate that we will spend whatever necessary to help our kids. The truth is that very few really get it, that most don’t. We woudl be better off walking away and letting them either make it on thier own or let them die in the street. As parents I now believe we should be more like the animal kindom. If one is too weak, leave it behind because it will bring us all down and for what. If by some chance my daugher makes it her life will be shorten likely from diease, lung cancer, heart attack something. At 35 her health is so compromised and with no health insurance and no job I don’t see any positive end to any of it.And this compromised life of hers has cost me over $350K. Now it does not get any more stupid than that. You can agrue that a human life has no price tag and I could accept that if you were investing in something that woud have value or offer a return. That is not the case with addicts. I now see why many parents throw in the towel early one and why there are homeless nut jobs walking about talking to themselves. Utimately its a choice they make. I know some retarded folks who get it much better than my daughter and her junkie addict buddies.
    I’m sorry I’ve got nothing good to say.
    God Bless

    renee

    October 28, 2011 at 1:39 AM

    • I JUST READ THE BLOG ABOUT DIVORCE THE ADDICT BURY THE PERSON. WELL IM ON MY SECOND BOYFRIEND HEROIN 1STONE DIED OVER DOSE 2 ND ONE I HAVE 2 KIDS WITH.LAST VALENTINE’S DAY WE TOOK HIM TO DETOX TODAY HE SAYS URINE DRUG TEST IS WRONG IM LOOSING MY MIND HELP.

      MEG VIELE

      January 15, 2012 at 7:12 PM

    • I JUST READ UR BLOG I FEEL EVERY WORD U WROTE. IM JUST THE MOM OF HIS CHILDREN INSTEAD BUT FEEL ALL U SAID MY FIRST BOY FRIEND DIED OF IT AND NOW ANOTHER IN DENIAL THANK S TO MESS

      MEG VIELE

      January 15, 2012 at 7:17 PM

    • God Bless you- it is a hard and long road you are on- My mother and I have been there- If anyone says they have the answers they are wrong- there are just choices- one of which will do less harm than the rest-
      I was a junkie- I used heroin IV since I was 16 years old- I had started with crystal meth at age 14. I quit when I was 21- and I have struggled only once since then- over 10 years- IT is not always easy- but it does get easier= now I cannot imagine going back to that life- I have a great life today- My mom and I are close in spite of all I put her through-
      I had done every treatment program there was- bottom line- none of it will work until the addict wants it to work- in the end my choices were to get clean or to die- I chose life…
      and all of the education I had received in various treatment programs helped me in the end- they had planted little seeds along the way- so all is not wasted- If you can be there when your daughter starts to help herself- that is great- helping her while she is using is only enabling- Financially it does not sound as if you can afford to help her without hurting yourself-
      I hope you can learn to put yourself first- take time for yourself- If you climb down into the pit with her- you will not be there to pull her out when it is time- you need your strength- you need to be healthy in order to help your daughter you must help yourself first-
      I hope this helps-
      Remember that everyone will have an opinion- ther are NO right answers- Only you know what is best for you and your daughter- research- get the information- You have to do what you can live with- DO NOT take any proffessionals opinion as golden- but do get support- god knows you will need it- Support for yourself-
      Your daughter is in a dark pit of addiciton and if you climb down into the pit of despair to be with her- you will not be ther to pull her out when it is time…
      God Bless you and your daughter

      kara

      February 13, 2012 at 10:12 AM

    • I sure hope you can find peace within. At the end of our lives, what will really matter? Letting them live on the streets and die, or try to keep loving them and showing them trust in Faith, in Jesus! Its been about 3 years now that my son addiction to opiates have totally effected my familys life. My strenght comes from the lord, knowing I have not control over my sons life except to lead him to god, and love him… So each day, one day at a time, I continue to dig deep in my heart to love this sick kid. I will pray for you, put your faith in the word, and he will love and give you the strength and understanding of eternity! God Bless you!

      cindy

      April 16, 2012 at 10:05 AM

  12. Heroin is son of a b****. drugs addiction is one of the worst thing, that can happen to a person.

    zvone

    January 30, 2012 at 7:52 AM

  13. My son lost his battle with addiction just 60 days ago. The day before he passed, he had given me a 3 page letter he had stayed up all night writing, telling me was done with heroin, he was never going to do it again, that he valued our relationship too much to let dope destroy it. I don’t know what happened in that short time to make him use again – he had been clean for a couple of weeks. He battled his addiction for 17 years, in and out of rehabs, jail, etc. My heart is broken and I will never be a whole person again. If you are an addict and reading this, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE think about those who love you and how you are not only destroying your life, but theirs as well.

    pgb

    February 10, 2012 at 8:10 AM

    • Sadly enough, I try to prepare myself for the day my sons life is gone to herion. I have found and realize that there intention isn’t to die at all, but to have a great high. Unfortunatly the does of herion can and is neve the same. the addict plays russion relette each and every time they use. I am very sorry you lost your son, and hope that you realize God has not only set him free of addiction, but he has paved a new road and life for you. Now, wipe your tears, and go live… Live your dreams, pray and have faith… cant change yesterday, you have today, and take it one day at time….God Bless you for sharing… I pray he heals your heart…. amen…

      cindy

      April 16, 2012 at 10:12 AM

      • my son is 21 and in his 10th rehab. You know the story. I’m looking forward to reading no Hero in Heroin

        dave

        December 15, 2012 at 8:47 PM

  14. I’ve been there were lots of others been I was a mother of 3 when I was prescribed morphine for a back surgery but when that wasent enough I moved to heroin to get “high” I was losing everything at That point so I quite on my own been clean for 8 months I quess the addict has to be willing to stop in order for any treatment to work but Good news is life does get better

    rach

    March 26, 2012 at 2:46 PM

  15. no hero at all; just hate, anger, pain and misery
    closet-junkie101.blogspot.com

    smackhead

    May 11, 2012 at 1:46 AM

  16. Well, this is my first blog & goodness do I have a lot to share. I tried al anon years ago & I gained a lot, but shared nothing, because all I could do was cry. I think this blogging thing will be so much better.
    A little back ground… I was married in 1992, shortly after our 10 year anniversary, I noticed big changes in my husband. 18 months later, my family & friends came clean on the secret everyone had been hiding for him, despite my pleading for answers throughout that time. He was addicted to OxyContin. I was there to help with withdraws, rehab, etc. I realized as a stay at home mom, I could not support my two kids and my husband & I, if something were to happen. So I went to college & became an RN. By the time I graduated, my daughter had the hardest senior year, left home for 7 weeks, then it took a daily struggle to get her back on track to graduation day. Her reaction was due to the increasing anger, pain, and embarrassment her step-dad brought on her. Plus she felt, I should’ve left him by now, because life was awful for all of us. My son stopped talking to me when he was 14, because his dad blamed me for all of his addiction problems. And yet with all the pain, I hung on for seven years of his addiction. I tried so hard to fix him. The last six months, we were just living together trying to work out the financial aspects of the marriage, and was enduring a few episodes of physical abuse. One night he went out, came home at 1 am, stayed awake all night. I got up and was preparing to meet my daughter. We’ll, he had a seizure. I got my son, followed the ambulance to the hospital, called his family, worried, & tried to be there for him. We’ll, of course he blamed it all on me again. So I quietly brought them home & sat in my car for an hour crying yet again. Then I decided, he could have my son ( who hated me at this point), the house, the furniture, everything. My piece of mind was worth more than any of the material things. One year later, he let the house ( my name only) foreclose, repossessed his truck, was letting his mom pay rent for him on another house, and my son in his senior year, struggling to complete it. Then I received the most haunting words at 3 am. “Mom, dad is dead” my son argued with him about his drug use, then went to his room. A couple hours later, he checked on him. He was foaming at the mouth. My son called 911 & tried to do CPR. The next six months, my son had to move in with me. I loved having him back, he still hated me. After a struggle, he graduated and ran straight to his paternal grandparents to live. So you think the story is over. Unfortunately not.
    His dad has been gone for almost two years. He has had no therapy, still doesn’t like me much, and got with a girl who liked to shoot heroine. So now for a year and a half, the roller coaster has begun again. I learned so much during the first round, however, I thought going through it with my husband was bad, but going through this with my child is sooooo much worse.
    Lucky for me, I love my new husband, he is so supportive, my daughter is doing wonderful, I have a great family, home, job, etc. That helps, when you worry on a daily basis, whether or not your child is still alive.

    Nicki

    October 25, 2013 at 6:49 PM

  17. Hello my name is Debbie my son has been addicted to pain killers for years and over the last year or so started the use of herion. I tried to get him help but with no money or insurance rehab is out of reach. He has been in and out of trouble with the law because of his drug useage. He feared I would either get a call that. He was dead, or back in jail and of course he is in jail waiting ona prison sentence I couldn’t help him in time atleast he is still alive. But going to prison is not going to get him the help he needs he needs rehab over prison. My heart is broken I feel responsible and there is nothng I can do. I feel so alone. Drug addiction needs to be addressed as a sickness and more help needs to be avsilable fordrug addicts in order to get this problem taken care of.

    debbie

    February 27, 2014 at 9:49 AM

  18. My heart goes out to everyone who heroine has haunted. I too, almost lost my son to this life sucking drug! I am not sure he realizes the danger he has endured, but pretty sure my sin has not hit rock bottom yet.
    Sincerely,
    hopeful and determined to educate those who fear for their children’s lives without enabling!!!

    Erin Freshwater

    August 27, 2014 at 1:05 PM

  19. Hello,

    My 25 year old son is a heroin addict. He has been clean for 2 months, but recently tried to obtain drugs by cashing one of my checks in his name. He was honest about it and said he wanted the money to pay off his dealer and get high, but it has left me heartbroken. He is still clean, but I fear things are going to get much worse before they get better. After reading “There is no hero in heroine” I am feeling like letting go is the best thing I can do for both of us. I have told him he needs to move out and given him two weeks to find another place to live. I am hoping I can find the strength to truly let go and start living my life again.

    Cheryl

    August 31, 2014 at 6:31 AM


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: